i never thought i went to a psychologist for a counseling session. i hesitated at first, because i’ve tried several online counseling since i was in high school but it didn’t work well.
i couldn’t sleep the night before because i thought, do i really need to do this?
am i really sick? exaggerating my feelings? overreacting? all those questions, i couldn’t sleep.
it was eleven and raining a bit. it was just a house. the woman at the front desk near the door asked me to fill the form. 20 minutes after that, someone called me.
what an angelic face, i thought.
the psychologist who examine me looks a lot like one of my favorite lecturers. she smiled widely, “you look so normal by the way” was her first sentence, when i went into the room.
i laughed. i know, i am good at pretending. i’m not okay. i never am.
the first one hour was about my parents. no shit. it was exhausting telling stories about you two, mom, dad. the last one hour was about my recent breakup.
yes, it was always a painful relationship with him.
then i told her about you.
i told her about the office, our short meeting. i told her how meaningful our midnight conversations were. i told her the random new year’s eve trip. i told her that i thought i was just your emergency call. i told her that i thought we were never friends. i told her that maybe you’ve been using me the whole time. isn’t that?
she asked me to write about my fear. she asked me to say it. she then asked me to write about things that make me happy.
i told her i don’t like it when people said that i am depressed. i told her it’s not nice to hear that word.
“it’s okay, fa. you’re okay.” the words i keep repeat again and again when the “attack” comes. most times it came with an emptiness, a loneliness, or both. the other time with inability to breathe, to think clearly, to move. numb.
she said she doesn’t want to get me labelled. though it makes me think that it is real. that i am sick. i am not functioning well.
the first meeting ended with a lesson named the butterfly hugs. she said, “whenever the attack comes, just sit at the corner, or wherever convenient then hug yourself. tell yourself that it’s going to be okay. tell yourself that this too shall pass.”
but the voices always win. i can’t do the butterfly hugs, my wings are broken.