the unsent letters

to the man i could never love

it’s been two years since i moved out from the house and i still have no ability to forget what happened that night.

you said that i have no right to listen to the conversation between you and mom. you said that it was her fault and you told me to go to my room instead.
you almost threw my laptop to the floor.
your eyes, i could never forget your glaring eyes. it’s always been the same glare when i was just four years old.
i admire your evil consistency.

you know, there are times when i feel like i want to tell you everything.
there are times when i want you to know about my anxiety.
but you would never understand.
because it’s always been about you.
your temper, your ego, your hatred, your toxic affection.

i want you to know when i feel sad.
i want you to know when i feel empty.
i want you to know when the horror came at night, left me no space to breathe.
but you never asked.

i don’t hate you. i just find it difficult
to love you,
dad.

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