This is how you should do on this page:
Play Ardhito’s song, listen carefully to the lyrics while you read the post.
“Speak what we feel, not what, we ought to say.” (Kelly, 2011: 1)
People say that everyone always have that one person to talk to, to share about things and they call that person “friend” or “best friend”. I have this one person, but I prefer that she is my confidant because I tell her everything without reservation. We were classmates in high school back then. As I entered my first year in this campus, we barely meet since she goes to a different university in Jakarta. At first, everything was just fine. Technically everything was always fine, at first.
If I want to meet her then we are going. Not until one day, I know that college life is way more difficult than high school, I can’t trust many friends, just few of them, even none. I feel exhausted with everything around me, I feel so uncomfortable and I really want to ‘go back’. I texted her, I told her that I wanted to meet her but she did not reply.
I’m not an easy person to adapt with new surroundings, which is why it was really hard and exhausting for me to make new and trusted friends in this campus. That is the reason.
On December 2012, she broke up with her boyfriend and it hurt me as well, to see her in despair. Actually I have no idea what kind of love that she had for her ex, I mean loving someone should give you power not weakness. I told her so, I encouraged her, and I was trying to do my best to make her feel alright.
A year passed, she was still in her worst condition. I kinda hate her for that, for being so stupid.
“In The Ethics of Ambiguity, Beauvoir declares the human condition to be ambiguous. According to Beauvoir, we are both separate and connected to each other, a unique subject and an object for others, consciousness and body, free and unfree.” (Gothlin, 1999: 84)
She is being used by her own feelings. She cannot manage on making herself as the subject of her life, and even worse she blamed me. She said that talking to me only bring up the memories about her ex. Well, her ex is my friend, too but her reason that talking to me only bring up the memories did not make any sense at all.
After that, the next time when I told her that I miss her, she said that it would be better if two of us did not meet for a while. I feel dumped.
“Okay” was my answer at that time. Because I feel it was not necessary to explain about what I have been through, about my new life, about how I cannot find a trusted person like her.
“Okay” did not represent my feelings. I was doing my best to encourage her but she said that she feel guilty talking to me.
“Okay” was me, who is trying to understand that all she needs is time. I knew that if I argue at that time, things would not get better. We did not talk ever since, still when she ‘appeared’ in Twitter, I feel something is breaking. She is great at making me feel disappointed, yet I cannot find the other her. Therefore, it is ‘separate and connected’ like Gothlin said.
I keep in my mind that one day she will realize that I was trying my best. I hope she will apologize. I keep trying to hold my anger, my feelings, and every story that I really want her to hear.
I miss her so much, I really am but I have no courage to talk to her anymore. I don’t want to hurt her.
At the same night she sent me a message and said that she’s sorry. She said that she does not deserve to be a ‘best friend’ for me because she left me when I need her most. She told me that she wanted me to understand her condition; she thought that I’m happy with my life.
She said that now she couldn’t get what she needs when she’s with me, again she said she’s sorry.
I was crying at the time, I don’t know what to do. If she wants me to understand her condition, why did she not even try to understand mine and why she even blamed me that talking to me only bring up the memories about her ex-boyfriend?
She came just like that without even feel guilty, and then I remembered when Bu Atwin said, “saying sorry is to acknowledge that you are wrong.” I cannot feel it; I cannot feel that she is guilty even though she said sorry many times.
Actually I wanted to call her at that night, to tell her every story that I keep bottled up but I couldn’t. She made a hole within my body; she didn’t even appreciate what I’ve done for her. I couldn’t even say “okay”, I am not “okay” and most of time, not every sorry deserves an “okay” in return.
This writing was originally made for my final assignment of Further Studies in Prose and I promised myself to post this on my WordPress right after I got the score.
To the so-called best friend, thank you.
Kelly, Philippa. (2011). The King and I (Shakespeare Now). New York: Continuum International Publishing Group.
Gothlin, Eva. (1999). Simone de Beauvoir’s Notions of Appeal, Desire, and Ambiguity and their Relationship to Jean-Paul Sartre’s Notions of Appeal and Desire. Hypatia vol. 14, no. 4